His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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