He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
