Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
