hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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