i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
