my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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