Just fell off a train. Bad.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Randomize
