Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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