do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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