Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
