the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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