pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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