I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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