No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
