well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
