I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
We need a shit load of segways right now
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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