I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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