im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
