i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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