OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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