Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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