How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
