they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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