some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
