dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I'm at about main and main street
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
