I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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