omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
