Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
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