You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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