So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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