I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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