it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
