I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
