so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I think im going to throw up on grandma
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
