I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
