yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
where does the pee come out of this thing
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Watching her eat just hurts me
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
