I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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