next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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