i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
