I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
