i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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