the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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