Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
