My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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