he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
They took my balls.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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