I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
my vag is so smooth its legendary
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
