my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Regardless of the degree, it's probably not good to relate so closely to the Steve-O documentary.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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