They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
