booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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