tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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