dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
