I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
